Cream of the Crop 11

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ROTFL Digest! Volume 2, Issue 11 January 1996 You deserve a laugh today! Published by Access Media Systems Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: 905-847-7362 Email: sandyi@pathcom.com Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes ------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW! Check out the ROTFL homepage at: http://www.pathcom.com/~sandyi ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Contents: Editorial Likely Stories! Christmas Anachronistic How To Tell If Someone Is A Supermodel The Psycho Friends Network Top Ten Things You Don't Ever Want A Judge To Say To You Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial It's a new year and I'm still looking for new jokes and funny stories! You can win, win, win dumb prizes! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it remains unaltered in any way. Email: sandy.illes@canrem.com or sandyi@pathcom.com Netmail: Sandy Illes 1:250/710 All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems only for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose. ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes without the express written consent of the publishers. Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited. Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of our fists. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- LIKELY STORIES READING AND RITING Toronto, Ont. - Bernard Klieb, 79, was written a prescription for imferon to treat an iron deficiency in his blood but, because of his doctor's sloppy penmanship, was given interferon, a leukemia drug. An inquest jury found that probably played a major role in bringing on the man's heart attack. And here we thought bad writing was a requirement for medical school. BIG BUSINESS TAKES THE MONEY AND RUNS Toronto, Ont. - Metropolitan Life insurance refused to pay Danielle Thomas $50,000 life insurance benefits because her husband, who was murdered as an innocent bystander of a crime, failed to report a heart attack he'd had five years earlier. WHO'D EVEN BELIEVE IT? Los Angeles, Calif. - Barry Briskman, 59, who posed as a space alien recruiting girls for a utopian society headed by Queen Hiternia in a faraway galaxy, received a 20-year sentence for molesting two 13-year-olds. EXCUSES, EXCUSES! Ontario, Canada - Motorists are coming up with new excuses for their speeding. Recently, one man who was stopped while doing 130 km/h on the 401 said he had to speed because his wife was allergic to trucks. Another motorist caught doing 150 km/h said he couldn't possibly be going that fast because his cruise control was set at 130 km/h. WHAT'S IN A NAME? South China Sea - A cargo ship which was boarded by pirates was called the Lucky Trader. The thieves stole 7,400 cases of cigarettes. That must have been some nicotine fit, eh? AND IT TOOK 13 YEARS TO FIND THIS OUT? Scarborough, Ont. - Pauline Gonyea, 38, has been charged with defrauding the Ontario Ministry of Community and Social Services of $113,254.39 over a 13-year period. It's that 39 cents that's the real killer. IGNORANCE OF THE LAWS OF BIOLOGY North Carolina - Representative Henry Aldridge, 71, told the North Carolina House Appropriations Committee that rape victims don't need funding for abortions because "they don't get pregnant." Stuffing his foot further into his mouth, Aldridge continued, "People who are raped - who are truly raped - the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work." CANADIAN CROOKS DON'T NEED GUNS Toronto, Ont. - An unidentified man held up a branch of the Royal Bank with a syringe. The man approached the teller with a holdup note, showed the syringe under his jacket, and demanded money. "AND IF YOU BELIEVE THIS ONE, JUDGE, I HAVE A BRIDGE I CAN SELL YOU CHEAP..." Toronto, Ont. - Somali refugee Mohamed Gure told a judge he thought he was entitled to welfare because he was a refugee, even though he had a full-time job when he collected $9,368 from the government. Gure was jailed for 6 months and ordered to make restitution. WHERE'S PERRY MASON WHEN YOU NEED HIM? Mississauga, Ont. - 11-year-old Stephanie Salvador is suing Hostess Frito-Lay for $6,000 over Ruffles potato chip bags she says were empty. She had originally organized a petition and written a letter of complaint to which Hostess Frito-Lay replied with an apology and three free coupons for grocery-store size potato chips. Stephanie felt the company wasn't taking her seriously and filed the lawsuit but Hostess Frito-Lay says they never even saw an empty bag. Guess they ruffled her feathers. MAYBE NORTHWEST SHOULD PUT THESE GUYS ON THE PAYROLL Minneapolis, Minn. - A group of drunken British and Irish tourists who wreaked havoc on a Northwest Airlines flight from London were restrained by U.S. Olympic wrestlers and handcuffed to their seats. What are the chances of having a U.S. Olympic wrestling team on a flight to subdue obnoxous travellers? CHARITY GONE WILD London, England - The K Foundation charity dumped a truckload (6,237 cans) of beer in front of Parliament to supply the homeless who hang out in that area because liquor outlets were closed for the Christmas holiday. The K Foundation creator, Jimmy Cauty, said, "If you are down and out, would you rather have a bowl of soup or a can of Tennent's lager?" Now, I dunno, but didn't drinking contribute to many of those people being homeless in the first place? BUREAUCRACY AT WORK Toronto, Ont. - Cornwall Anthony Francis, 34, had 63 convictions - 10 of which were for assaulting officers - yet beat deportation to Jamaica when he was granted a five-year stay by the Canadian Immigration and Refugee Board. Board member Rosemary Muzzi ruled Francis had been rehabilitated and was supported by family members. A day after being released, Francis was charged with assaulting police, assault with intent to resist arrest, and obstructing justice. Well, duh! AUTO-NOTIONS Maureen Kempston Darkes, president of General Motors of Canada was worried about weak auto sales and told reporters, "We are focused on, how do you make cars and trucks more affordable?" Hey, I have an idea! They could lower the price! Meanwhile, Ford of Canada recalled 248,000 cars and trucks because the ignition switches could start fires. This at the same time that the cigarette lighter became an option. BREAK OUT THE PAMPERS London, England - Rosanna Della Corte, 63, who had a baby boy in July 1994 at the age of 62, is planning to have another baby when she is 64. The birth was supervised by Dr. Severino Antinori of Rome, who arranged the artificial insemination with Della Corte's husband's sperm and a donor's egg. Sheesh! By the time the kid is out of diapers, he'll be just in time to start changing his mom's diapers. POLLY WANT A COPPER Rome, Italy - Italian customs officials seized 32 rare parrots valued at $14,000 CDN each at Rome airport after they heard squawking from luggage belonging to two Nigerian women. The birds, Psittacus Erithacus, were real stool pigeons, eh? CANADA: LAND OF WELFARE OPPORTUNITIES Toronto, Ont. - Sakia Mojadiddi, a 38-year-old Afghanistan refugee claimant with two new vehicles and a four-bedroom, 2000-square-foot, ravine lot home was arrested in a $50,000 welfare fraud. And that, my friends, is why Canadians have to work until July to pay their taxes. THE SCARIEST DENTIST IN THE WHOLE WORLD Baltimore, Maryland - 47-year-old dentist Sandy Cook is the singing dentist. He has dressed as a chicken to drill teeth while singing, "Oh, I'm puttin' all my eggs in one basket," donned a gray wig and bandanna to belt out Willie Nelson tunes, and has auditioned for a potential patient with a James Taylor song. Geez, I'd pay my dentist extra not to sing! AND HOW MUCH AM I BID FOR THIS MCDONALD'S FRENCH FRY? Rangoon, Burma - Rewards are offered by Burma's military rulers to those who report on people teaching western dance, organizing rowdy birthday parties, or going wild in sing-along bars. The government is fighting what they call 'decadent alien culture.' "EWWW... MY FEET ARE STUCK TO THE ROAD" Rangoon, Burma - To help keep spit off the streets, the sale of betel chaws, a popular mild stimulant, is being banned in six central Rangoon townships. A spokesman for the Rangoon City Development Committee said, "Betel chewers are tarnishing the beauty of the capital by spitting unscrupulously on roads, pavements, overpasses and at other places." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHRISTMAS ANACHRONISTIC <c>1995 Tony Harris There'll always be a time and place for everything in retrospect But at the time, and in that place, there are some things we can't neglect The Christmas tree, with all its glee, stands dumb & silent, uprooted too And all that heart-felt symbolism, well-meant tyrant, can not break through Its anachronistic stupidity... Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree You stand in mordant booty And any good iconoclast would ever so and really find it to be such a blast, thankfully and dearly, to have a chance to tear you down to build you up, without the clown's demeanour of such froth & folly - the meaningless drivel that's by no means jolly... If life for us all be one long song, it sometimes changes key And if all things aren't kept in tune, it loses harmony And Triumphant Discord flogs us dead hoarse, as it hides in the shadows, kindling remorse The shadows of the merriment of Christmas celebration would turn for us a colour-blind eye, at each and every station, to the myriad hues of the spectrum of life's many subtleties, for in the dark, all cats are grey, at least that's if we please Anachronisms can be pleasant, anachronisms can be wrong If anachronisms be our present, be mindful of the throng of tokenism in our midst - Tokenism of different sorts with axes to grind to cut down trees to make Christmas what it ought to be, according to them, but never with a thought to when. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS A SUPERMODEL (c)1996 Mary Stewart Every time we change the channel on TV, there's another show on about supermodels. What, exactly, is a supermodel? And what differentiates a supermodel from an ordinary model? More than that, who gets to decide? As someone who has watched way too much TV for way too many years and is sick to death of seeing some faceless woman I've never heard of being touted as a supermodel, I think that I should be the person who decides. A supermodel should be someone who can leap tall buildings in a single bound, be faster than a speeding bullet, yet still look marvellous. The effects of green kryptonite(tm) on a supermodel would be a foregone conclusion and she could not, therefore, date, say, Lex Luthor. A supermodel would never break a nail stopping a speeding train, yet could pout seductively for rescue workers who arrive at the scene the proverbial few seconds too late. The difference between an ordinary model and a supermodel is, of course, that ordinary models lack super-powers and can do little more than smile and prance in an effort to aid world peace. A supermodel can kick Bosnia's butt with one arm tied behind her back in a Valentino hanky without even breaking a sweat. Supermodels will have a hideout at the South Pole to which they return every few minutes to change into yet another fashionable gown. Ordinary models not only don't have a hideout, they probably can't even change their own clothes. So there you have it. The differences between models and supermodels are very clear and I hope this article has taught you at least one thing: Find out if that supermodel is real by testing her with green kryptonite(tm), available at Sears, Wal-mart, and Home Hardware stores across the country and only $29.95 during our winter clearance sale. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE PSYCHO FRIENDS NETWORK(TM) (c)1996 Sandy Illes Have you ever wondered what the future holds for you? Now you can find out by calling the Psycho Friends Network(tm)! Here are just some testimonials from our satisfied customers: "I called the Psycho Friends Network(tm) and was told by my own personal psycho Fernando that there was a red car in my future. Only two hours after having made the call, I was struck by a red car! More than that, it turned out to be driven by Fernando! The Psycho Friends Network(tm) doesn't like to be wrong." - Mrs. Edna Stoltz in a hospital bed somewhere in Maine "When I called the Psycho Friends Network(tm), I was in desperate need of money. My personal psycho Nadine told me I would come into some money quickly and she was right! Later that same day, I successfully robbed a bank!" - Mr. J.D. hiding out somewhere in Arkansas "The Psycho Friends Network(tm) put me on hold for 3 hours at $4.99 per minute but it was all worthwhile when my personal psycho Ramon told me that I would see a former loved one and be very satisfied. Less than a week later, I ran into Ramon's brother, who had jilted me at the altar five years ago, while in the knife department of a K-mart. I stabbed him several times and he's in intensive care while I'm extremely satisfied." - Miss P.W. sticking by her alibi that the knife slipped from her hands "When my personal psycho Martin at the Psycho Friends Network(tm) told me that my daughter was in grave danger, I had no idea that he would stalk and kill her. The Psycho Friends Network(tm) never lies." - Mrs. Deanna Bland in mourning "I didn't believe in psychos until I called the Psycho Friends Network(tm) and was told that my husband was being unfaithful. It turned out that he was having an affair with my personal psycho Lola. The Psycho Friends Network(tm) is real." - Mrs. Roberta Vindictive in divorce court "I called the Psycho Friends Network(tm) when I was at a low point in my life. My personal psycho Nico told me that things would only get worse with a tax audit, a crippling accident, and permanent brain damage. Sure enough, the IRS investigated me on Nico's tip, a bus driven by Nico hit me and put me in a wheelchair, and in the hospital, Nico sneaked up behind me and bopped me on the head with a 2x4. This psycho stuff is definitely real!" - Mr. John Doe trying desperately to remember who he is, where he lives, and how to work a wheelchair If you want accurate predictions for your future, why waste time on psychics? Call the Psycho Friends Network(tm) and get the real scoop! Only $4.99 per minute! Call 1-976-PSY-CHOS today! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T EVER WANT TO HEAR A JUDGE SAY TO YOU (c)1996 Sandy Illes 10. The BMW you said you didn't steal belonged to my wife. 9. Aren't you the guy who used to steal my lunch money in grade school? 8. You're wasting my time trying to enter a plea of not guilty. 7. I only have an hour so I won't have time to hear all the charges against you. 6. Did you know the B&E you're charged with happened at my house? 5. You're wearing my Rolex. 4. I'm the one who picked you out of the police lineup. 3. Hey, aren't you OJ Simpson? 2. Too bad they don't allow the death penalty for stupidity. 1. I remember you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES A Jewish Santa Claus came down the chimney and said: "Anyone want to buy a present?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell a Jewish household during Christmas? Parking meter on the roof. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irish woman whose Doctor told her not to touch anything alcoholic? She threw her husband out of the house. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you spot an Irishman in a fancy French restaurant? He's the one trying to decide what wine goes best with whiskey. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't find his glasses? He just drank from the bottle. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two statues stood in a park for hundreds of years. One day an angel came to them and said, "I want to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Did You Hear That Salman Rushdie Is Publishing His Next Book? A. Its Called "Buddha, You Fat F***!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Did You Hear That Princess Grace Was On The Radio? A. ...And On The Dash Board, The Steering Wheel, Etc. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. Did You Hear That Madonna Was Raped Once? A. She Didn't Know It Until The Check Bounced. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What Do You Call A Mexican With A Vasectomy? A. A Dry Martinez. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How Many Mexicans Does It Take To Grease A Car? A. One If You Hit 'em Right. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. How Come The Mexican Army Only Used 600 Mexicans At The Alamo? A. Because They Only Had 2 Cars. -------------------------------------------------------------------------